Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Monday, May 6, 2013


                                                          Pretty Cool Version of Popeye

I'm a HUGE (and I don't even know if that's the right word for it) fan of bad radio, those old bad TV shows they used to show late at night, like CREEPFEST or MONSTERFEST or whatever fest they had on.  Like when USA network was better.  Even with that said, I'm a bigger fan of 80's cartoons.  To get the full effect of the shows that I consider "80's" cartoons start with the 1977ish seasons of cartoons shown on Saturday mornings all the way to say, 1995.  That's almost 20 years, but the truth is, some cartoons started in the 80's didn't finish their run until the 90's and same with some of the 70's cartoons.

Now - I don't "yearn" for the return of those types of cartoons, some of them were really bad. But I am looking to collect them.  Some I have and the rest are next to impossible to find, unless I start hitting up the various "fringe" conventions.  Even then, it's like the cracker jack surprise when you open the box.  We all want the cool decoder ring or compass, but we usually end up with that teeny-tiny sticker/tattoo thingy.  That's what i expect when I see those DVD's sitting there in their well worn, hastily moved and packed boxes that litter the aisles of these conventions.

I wonder if there are any second hand stores out there that have these cartoons.  I'm talking the cartoons like Saturday Supercade with Donkey Kong, Q-Bert, Pac-Man, Turbo Teen, Rubiks Cube, The Incredible Hulk, the rest of the series of Superfriends, Popeye and Friends, Laverne And Shirley and The Happy Days gang.  I think I made my point clear.  I want to be able to get these titles.  I just don't know where to go.

Now - I know that these titles are available.  With everything that I've looked at, the main companies Warner Bros. and Universal have held on to these titles for one reason or another, but they should release them to the public!  If there is a huge demand of 80's music, clothes and TV shows and other things, why don't they jump on the band wagon and make their millions/billions off of us by just releasing these titles.

What about you guys?  What cool thing from your childhood do you miss that you would like to have again (or do again).

This is why I miss the Virgin Store here in Sacramento, I could drive there and check out all the cool titles they had, which included old and new cartoons/anime/cheesy 80's movies.  Now I have to take my chance at Fry's Electronics, a craptastic customer experience if there ever was one.

Here's a stupid question.  I can understand looking through bags of customers when they walk in and out of the store through the same entrance - let's be clear with this, when I mean bags, I mean back packs and things like that, what I don't get is them checking your purchases for "stolen" items, even though they say they're checking the receipt to make sure you got all your items, after you have gone through the line to purchase your items.  That's garbage - it makes no sense to check the bag of items you just bought, they're not even really checking the receipt, they count the items in your bag and the items on the receipt and thats it.  That process needs to end.  It's embarrassing. That's basically telling the customer that they're guilty of stealing something.

Next time you're in a store like that, walk by the fact checker and just say "I already know what I bought, I don't need a second opinion"

Thursday, May 2, 2013

To Whom Are The Heroes Held Accountable?

                                                                  Sexy Alex Ross Art!

Comics, TV, movies, books (both lit and art) and numerous other mediums that depict hero's in all their glory have always shown massive battles, destruction on a global scale and ultimately the hero (or heroes) winning the day.

There's been millions of pages of comics and books,  both written and drawn, thousands of hours of television produced; all dedicated to the "superhero".  Now this is all done for fun and entertainment but the one thing that I have noticed is that there are no repercussions when it comes to the "superheroes" destroying a city.  The heroes get thanked or are given a key to the city or medals or whatever they're given to prove their heroicness.  Let me be more specific.

Going with the DC Animated Universe first -

In Batman:The Animated Series - Batman's rogues gallery, which consists of Penguin, Joker, Catwoman, Mr. Freeze, Clay Face, Bane, The Mad Hatter, The Scarecrow and other's have routinely blown up buildings and parks, killed many citizens, released toxic gasses into their river system as well as airborne toxins to pollute and destroy or freeze the entire city to prove a point or cause the populace to go completely insane.

In Superman The Animated Series - Superman battles highly powered super beings and aliens who unleash mass destruction on the city of Metropolis.  Hell even Darkseid comes to earth and destroys parts of Smallville.  There isn't an episode of S:TAS that a flying vehicle doesn't crash or a building doesn't rain destruction down on the populace or an alien attacks and proceeds to kick Superman through multiple buildings or through the surface of a street.

The Justice League - same exact as Batman or Superman - mass destruction on a scale that would cause the United States to think twice about letting these over powered maniacs out in public. It's even depicted in several episodes that the government has started keeping tabs on them because of their power and the amount of destruction they have done to the various cities.

It's all the same in the Marvel Universe as well.
The Hulk - an unchecked maniac with anger management issues that runs uncontrolled throughout the world beating ass on his rivals and even his friends.  This guy can chuck tanks like they are nerf footballs hundreds of miles away, create devastating earthquakes just by clapping his hands and is nigh invulnerable.

Spider-man - well, he's an over powered mutant that can lift several tons over his head, but that's not why he's on here.  He swings through New York City on a high tensile wire, perilously close to the ground, distracting drivers, his enemies continuously destroy the tram systems, topple buildings and in one case caused a massive sand storm through one of the major streets just because they could.

Iron Man - He's a man in flying armor that has no less than destroyed downtown New York, the World's Fair and the Grand Prix... nuff said.

The Avengers - New York City or any city that they travel to?

I could go on, but I wanted to use these examples to bring up the big question of -
"To whom are the heroes held accountable?"

With the amount of physical destruction done by these super heroes (See The Incredibles for a good answer to this) who pays to rebuild the cities and transportation systems that these people willfully destroy.  It has to cost the insurance companies trillions (or more) of dollars just to be able to fix all the damage done by the heroes and their enemies.  Is there even a policy for "intergalactic invader destruction"?

There are a few comics out there that have attempted to answer the question of who is responsible, one of the best being Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns.  It's only a few scenes where Superman/Clark Kent is speaking with the President of The United States and with Bruce/Batman, but it's pretty poignant in what was said (or not said) and that all the heroes have been essentially decommissioned unless they are willing to live under strict government rule.

Do the heroes have to pay for the destruction?  Where do they get the money to build their super powered space stations or armor or gadgets?  We all know Batman and Oliver Queen (Green Arrow) and Tony Stark and a couple of other's are billionaires - so we'll take them out of the equation.  But what about Superman, The Flash, The Question, Black Canary, Spiderman, S.H.I.E.L.D, Green Lantern, Hawkman, Scarlet Witch, Hawk-Eye, Black Widow, Bruce Banner, The Fantastic Four, The Punisher or any of the other non-billionaires out that are out there?  Where do they get the money from to fund their projects or pay their insurance premiums?  Most of them have to be uninsurable, just by reputation alone.  Unless they're bonded and have private insurance set up through a fund.  How do the super heroes raise money to build their awesome vehicles or space stations?  Bake sales?  I mean that has to be some super tasty snacks.  I mean if the girl scouts can make a billion dollars on cookie sales, why couldn't the super heroes do the same. Hire children to go door to door doing your charity work by selling cookies and snack foods and then take that same money and turn around and invest it infrastructure, buying land and building your super powered space station.

It could work.

Would anyone be interested in buying some Boring Tuna cookies?

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

The Trail(ers) Of Tears

Movie trailers are, in my humble opinion, the best part of going to the movies.  I have always loved getting to the theater early, especially when I was younger, so that I could find the best seat, get comfortable and watch the up coming movie previews.  Of course, when I was younger, the movie previews were things like Tron, Empire Strikes Back, Return Of The Jedi, All of the Indiana Jones movies, Jurassic Park, both Terminator movies, the Rambo and Rocky movies and others like Runaway (if you can remember that one), the Explorers, any James Bond film.  There weren't many "independent" movie trailers like AC/DC's Let There Be Rock or  The Rocky Horror Picture Show or any independent animation studio other than Disney at the time.  The trailers were fun, they didn't give much away and were generally just cheesy.  That is until the 90's hit and the studios realized that the more movies they could put out, the more money they could make (in theory) and we got drowned in a sea of shitty movies like My Mother The Car, Car 54, Where Are You? any MtV movie and anything with Dolph Lundgren in it.

The 90's brought us tons of movies like I said and that meant tons of trailers.  The problem is, the picture industry also decided at this point to let us know how great these movies were by basically giving us the whole movie condensed into a 3 minute montage.  Some studios decided that they weren't going to go that direction with their big budget movies (Jurassic Park, Terminator 2, Titanic, even Star Wars: The Phantom Menace) because the directors attached to these bigger pics had control over what the trailers showed.  It's a teaser, it's supposed to tease and entice people into going to see the movie (see what I did there?).  

But it doesn't tease and entice.  It tells us the whole movie and the movie is garbage anyways.  This is a multi billion dollar business and they continue to make and remake and reboot and redo movies.  Michael Bay is responsible for at least 4 remakes 2 of them the Texas Chainsaw Massacre - what kind of crap is this? Every week there is news of a new movie coming out and the chances of that movie being a reboot has to be like 93.532 percent or so it seems.  There are multiple TV commercials for Iron Man (comes out Friday) including 4 trailers and the "special" Super Bowl (TM) segment and they've pretty much given the whole film away.  They just can't help themselves.  On the other side of the fence, there's the Star Trek movie trailers and they haven't given away shit and makes me want to go see the movie even more than Iron Man.  

The more information we're given from the movie trailers, the less faith the picture companies have in said movie - with few exceptions. It's also getting old.  If you don't have faith in the movie, then don't greenlight it in the first place.  It's not going to be good and it's not going to do anything but cost 50million to make.  It's time for a little change in the studio "system" as it is and I normally like to rant about that.  For the time being I'm just on about movie trailers.  The easiest way to fix this issue is 1 thing.  Learn from the past, watch the great movies from the distant and near past and see what made them great.  The secret is -it's a compelling story.  That's all it is.

Now - go make compelling stories and maybe I'll be less of an asshat when reviewing it... maybe.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The Societal Contigency Plan

                                 I'm pretty sure Joe Cartoon didn't give me permission for this

My brother has a good theory about homeless people.
Here's the theory. If you give a homeless person some money, say 5 bucks, he will take it to his tribe of homeless and say "hey, 5 bucks!"  They will then scurry like cockroaches to where the rich homeless guy found his human ATM and try to extract money from others.  If they don't succeed Dirty Mike and The Boy's return back to the hobo camp and beat the shit out of the rich hobo and take his money.  So, the lesson is: give 1 hobo some money and you'll have 1 less hobo.
Here's a sentence.
Hey look, blue car!

I'm in a mood.  I was in a great mood all day, although tired, I was just cruising throughout the day, doing my job, trying to sell cars and help out where I can.  Also, it's my "Friday", the day before my 2 days off, which I am really looking forward to, so I can get a little bit of relax time in and little bit of my Podcast done and hang out with family, shit I like to do.

The last 20 days have been a grind for me.  I'm just getting back to work from almost a year off due to my psoriasis, so I'm tired, achy and probably a little bit of an asshole, but I'm trying to keep my attitude from affecting anyone and I just push all the attitude aside and just roll with things.  Again, I am trying to make it easy on myself and others.  However, I'm my own worse critic.  Also, I think that I'm fed up with one aspect of civilization.  The "homeless".

Now, I'm not talking about the REAL homeless, those that have had life shit on them and they are in desperate need of help and medical attention, I honestly feel no one cares about them because it's just easier to let them continue on their path of destruction than to actually lift a finger to help.  That's disgusting.  No, what I'm talking about is the piece of shit dregs of society that beg their way through life expecting us to assist them by asking for money or buying them alcohol or cigarettes or whatever and I'm done with that shit.  The Mike Charity is now closed.

I can see you reading this and saying, OK, whatever, but why?  Why, Mike, do you feel this way? Well, let me tell you why, my friend.

It all started innocently enough about 20 or so years ago, I'm driving from my place down to Carmichael, CA to meet some friends and I proceed to the off-ramp at Greenback lane, which is a 3 lane off ramp.  I'm heading to the movie theater just on the opposite side of the road, kitty corner to where I'm at (i.e. I take a left and then take a right and turn into the theater).  Standing on the side of the road is a "homeless" guy.  I'm already annoyed because these types of people have infected society and have taken advantage of hard working people by begging for money - fuck them.  Except this guy standing there on the corner of Greenback and the off ramp. He really looks beat up, dirty, disheveled, worn through shoes etc, etc.  He's either really playing the part or he needs help.  He's also holding a sign and again I'm thinking, great another "Will Work For Food" sign.  I move forward in the car as the light changes to green and I'm trying to get through the intersection, but apparently it's the lightning round and the light turns red before I can get through.  So there I am sitting in my car, 20 feet from homeless guy and I see his sign.  "Why Lie, NED A Beer"  and I roll down my window and call him over and give him 5 bucks.

He really needed a beer, the sign even told me he did.  But he misspelled "need", I believe, or his name was Ned and he couldn't really articulate and forgot basic sentence structure like "Why Lie, Buy Ned A Beer" or something like that.  He won.  5 bucks richer and I did feel good about myself.
So cut to months later and I'm in San Francisco with friends and now we're being harassed by a singing, dancing, comedian chatterbox that's continually asking for money, but in song form, as in he would take popular top 40 songs and make up lyrics to the beat about the people he was serenading, but I had enough, after about 3 minutes, I just told the guy to get bent or piss up a rope or something.  It was cute the first 30 seconds or a minute or so, but the gall and persistence of the man got under my skin, so enough is enough, and I stabbed him in the neck with a pen and took his wallet and keys and money and his shoes. I mean, they were nice shoes.  Really nice.

So it's gone on for years, once in a while, if I thought the person needed help, I'd throw a buck or two their way.  That is, until tonight.

I stopped at a store to get the basics for survival - beer and cigarettes.  I get out of my car and hear "hey, hey buddy, psssssst, over here" and I look to my right to see a guy, dressed relatively nicely, holding a half smoked cigarette that he picked off the ground, staring at me and he gives me his fucking sob story.  At this point, I just don't care, it all sounds like the sounds the adults make in the Charlie Brown cartoons WAAA WA WAA WA WA. 
"hey buddy, can ya spare a dollar, I need at least 1.91 to get out of this town" which I thought was odd that it only took 1.91 to actually leave Auburn, I mean you're not going to get far on that, but hey, if it gets him outta town, then I'm all for it.  Have a merry adventure, adieu.
So's I gives him the buck and pop inside to get my items I need to continue my healthy clean living.  I pay and walk out and hear the same guy say "hey, hey buddy, can I get one of those?"
The fucking gall.
Look, pal, you're a fucking piece of shit out of work homeless guy begging for money and picking cigarettes off the street to smoke.  Everyone has their little issues, but I bust my ass for my cash and frankly the last thing you should do is even think about begging for MORE stuff after I've already given you the dollar you asked for.
It's like the SNL sketch "The Thing That Wouldn't Leave", in which Belushi torments a couple " (played by Jane Curtin and Bill Murray).  Someone giving you something is just not good enough, I need to have them give more stuff to me.
Get a job you asshole. Go do something or get the fuck out of town like you said you were going to.  You don't get to have a beer, you don't get anything else from me... buddy. 

Frankly I'm done with this bullshit.  I give because I feel it's the right thing to do, or, at least I used to but these guys are just fucking relentless greedy little assholes.  So now the Mike Charity is closed.  Go find some chump that will let you hang around like a bad case of the crabs and soak off them until you've worn out your welcome.  As to that theory of a homeless guy.  Well, Dirty Mike and The Boys like to cluster about the shopping center near my house where they have also set up their "Drug Lounge/Gay Sex Shrubbery" right near the entrance to the shopping center.  Knowing where they hang out, you can now pick one lucky lotto winner on any given day and give him a 10 spot and watch the gladiatorial combat ensue when he shows his friends.  Hey, maybe you can bet on the fight and get your money back as well.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Apparently I like writing blogs...

I found this sitting on the original "Stop Having A Boring Tuna" blog that I have with Wordpress.  Written 3 years ago.  I really need to consolidate and start writing things down,

This blog was written by a live drunken individual.
A car drives down an empty back country road. It is swerving from right to left and back again.
Driver -
He is up to his chin in a clear liquid with olives floating about - clearly he is driving a cartini!
The driver reaches out and plucks an olive and pops it in his mouth,
then a head pops up, a female brushes her wet hair out of her eyes
Was it good for you?
Camera POV - Front of car
Baby you're the best
Flashing lights interrupt the post coital moment, the man looks up in the mirror clearly annoyed
He pulls the car over, angrily tapping on the steering wheel.
Camera POV
We follow a pair of legs with a holster attached, we see a hand reach down and unsnap the strap holding the gun in the holster, he twirls a baton. The officer approaches the car and tap tap taps on the window. The man behind the driver's seat looks annoyed still and rolls down the window, the martini filling his car spills out onto the road causing a hazardous road situation, olives litter the ground like dead soldiers.
Sir? Have you been drinking tonight?
Have I been drinking tonight? Did you just see the 20 gallons of Vodka Martini flow out of my car like a river? How about the rest of the Vodka Martini crap that's floating around the inside of my car that someone decided to pour into the sun roof after I got in? What kind of a fucking stupid question is that? Did you see the guy with the motorcycle helmet full of beer? That has to be even more dangerous. What about the redneck with the gun rack driving around with a cab full of beer as well! Get the fuck out...
Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the car.
Really? Really? Just "step out of the car? Yah I'll do that, while you're at it Sherlock, why don't you also do some sleuthing to figure out who decided to dump 30 gallons of mother fucking vodka martini in my car!
Officer (hand tapping on baton)
Please get out of the car sir.
Yah yah.
The driver opens the door and the rest of the vodka martini and a gold fish dump out of the car all over the road and onto the officers boots. We focus on the fish flipping around on the ground, struggling for air. The driver has a gigantic erection.
We see the man go through a battery of tests - SAT PSAT Chemistry Tennis, Ping Pong and of course ending with a beer pong tourney.
all with fails. The man is cuffed and thrown into the back of the police car, his girlfriend still sitting in the car, confused, wet and cold.
Voice Over: If you've been drinking you will be caught!
Montage of different drivers with the same issue of their cars and trucks filled with different sorts of alcohol and a limo with a jacuzzi filled with jello and bikini clad womens.
Police have stepped up their patrols, you will be found and you WILL be caught.
This never happened to me! I have a DUI and I'll be damned if my truck was filled with the fucking nectar of the gods - BEER. It would have unsettled the cop to see a vehicle filled with beer and a bitch to clean, but it would have been a good prank too.
There is a commercial, same exact wording for the voice over guy, just replacing drinking with "driving without your seat belt".
This minor shit is really beginning to get on my nerves and I blame my generation and the generation before mine for all these crack-pot bullshit "we have to save ourselves from ourselves" idea.
Now - don't get me wrong, drinking and driving is illegal, but, give the guy at least one chance, a warning and a class they have to go to instead of this zero tolerance crap. As Spider man says in family guy "You only get one!" Look, this is just about the money, that's all it's about and if you think it isn't, go look up the arrest records for California and see which county is number 1 on that list. However, giving people a chance to fix their behaviors before they become problems is how communities used to work, give a guy a chance let him/her sweat it out for a few minutes, give them an opportunity to call someone to pick them up. Redemption - it does work.
On top of that, other laws that need to go and go soon
People getting pulled over for talking on cell phones -
Bike helmets
Seat Belts
Smoking (ANYWHERE)
Airports to meet people (good job on helping to kill the economy, good forethought on that!)
Children with ADD/ADHD
Lawn Care
Home Owners Associations (fuck you)
You name it, all that shit that they continue to "enforce" is utter nonsense. What I do in my own personal space, as long as I'm not hurting anyone should be of no one else's concern, stay the fuck out of my personal life. Unless I'm DIRECTLY causing you problems.
If I buy a house and don't want to mow the lawn, put up a basketball court, park my cars in front of the house, piss off the porch, paint the fence pink or have weird kinky clown sex, that's my prerogative.
If I want to dress like a sumo wrestler and chase my wife around the house with a safari hat and a weed whacker with a dildo attachment and we end up in the backyard, don't get involved, i can do that. leave us alone.
If I don't want to wear a bike helmet and i crash and suffer severe brain damage, it's not any one's problems.
If I want to not wear seat belts and let my wife/kids/friends freak out and dance in a car because it's a good song and someone wants to play air guitar to the cool rock riff, LET THEM. Who the hell are you to control us?
It's all about money, but this whole protect the weak thing is going WAY to far.
Remember the golden rule? well fuck that guy that has the gold, his rules suck. I could go on, I'm ready to ramble about the bible, catholics, abortion, MILF's annoying neighbors, drunken sex, getting tattoos, gambling, etc.
I started off with the drunk driving thing because California needs to spend money to let us know that they will arrest us for drunk driving - warning us so that we're prepared to prepare for the end of the world if we get caught. Which, in and of itself is a complete waste of money and also brings me to another point of the whole money thing - if California is such in dire need of money, why are we spending money advertising on television? I've rambled enough.

Dredd And The Fugitive Mike

                                                                       I AM THE LAW!

When I saw the trailer and posters for Dredd last year at about this time, I couldn't wait to see it, then all of a sudden it disappeared.  I think it was in theaters for a total of 2 weeks.  Total bullshit, as it wasn't "performing" as well as the studios had hoped. so I didn't get to watch the movie in theaters.  Oh poor me. The trailers I saw showed it to be a centralized action piece with Dredd and Anderson in a huge shoot out.  Perfect popcorn movie, even if it was like the Stallone crapfest Judge Dredd.

Now, I'm a fan of movies, but it has gotten to the point in the past few years where we have just accepted the shit that we're being force fed and it's getting old.  It's been written and talked about for years and I don't need to repeat what everyone else is saying, save for the fact that the idea factory is bankrupt.  With few exceptions.  Dredd being one of them.

This movie is excellent.  Everyone plays their part well and the action is fast paced and the story is good.  It's not drawn out, it keeps you interested and doesn't throw out schlocky slapsticky comedy like the previous Dredd movie. This movie delivers on a large scale and it's pathetic that it didn't do better.

From the setup to the final pay off, this movie should have gotten more recognition than it received in theaters.  Then it came out on DVD and performed as it should have.  I'm hoping that the DVD sales results in a sequel.

I guess what I'm getting at is this -
The studio system is just pounding us with reboots and remakes and little in the way of original movies.  We all know that "it's been done before" but stories are out there to be told.  I don't need to see another Spiderman origin story or Batman or whatever else is available out there for reboots (there are tons of them, I'm too lazy to research them right now...) or remakes.  I would like to see modern day updates to tons of movies - Bullit, The Detective (which is technically the first "Die Hard" story) Saturn 5 or even Arsenic and Old Lace.  It would be cool to see takes on those types of movies. How about an update on Smokey and the Bandit? But who would play Big Enos and Little Enos?

With the way that everything is established, studios go for the easy pay off.and little risk. It's a problem with the system in and of itself - independent movies are locked out where they could find an audience, good movies aren't given enough life in the theaters to build an audience and bad movies continually make money (Scary Movie 4/5, Epic Movie anyone).  I don't know if we're conditioned just to accept this stuff and laugh at the lame jokes or if we're so starved for something good we're willing to sit through the crap for the nuggets of gold.  I think it's the latter.