My brother has a good theory about homeless people.
Here's the theory. If you give a homeless person some money, say 5 bucks, he will take it to his tribe of homeless and say "hey, 5 bucks!" They will then scurry like cockroaches to where the rich homeless guy found his human ATM and try to extract money from others. If they don't succeed Dirty Mike and The Boy's return back to the hobo camp and beat the shit out of the rich hobo and take his money. So, the lesson is: give 1 hobo some money and you'll have 1 less hobo.
Here's a sentence.
Hey look, blue car!
I'm in a mood. I was in a great mood all day, although tired, I was just cruising throughout the day, doing my job, trying to sell cars and help out where I can. Also, it's my "Friday", the day before my 2 days off, which I am really looking forward to, so I can get a little bit of relax time in and little bit of my Podcast done and hang out with family, shit I like to do.
The last 20 days have been a grind for me. I'm just getting back to work from almost a year off due to my psoriasis, so I'm tired, achy and probably a little bit of an asshole, but I'm trying to keep my attitude from affecting anyone and I just push all the attitude aside and just roll with things. Again, I am trying to make it easy on myself and others. However, I'm my own worse critic. Also, I think that I'm fed up with one aspect of civilization. The "homeless".
Now, I'm not talking about the REAL homeless, those that have had life shit on them and they are in desperate need of help and medical attention, I honestly feel no one cares about them because it's just easier to let them continue on their path of destruction than to actually lift a finger to help. That's disgusting. No, what I'm talking about is the piece of shit dregs of society that beg their way through life expecting us to assist them by asking for money or buying them alcohol or cigarettes or whatever and I'm done with that shit. The Mike Charity is now closed.
I can see you reading this and saying, OK, whatever, but why? Why, Mike, do you feel this way? Well, let me tell you why, my friend.
It all started innocently enough about 20 or so years ago, I'm driving from my place down to Carmichael, CA to meet some friends and I proceed to the off-ramp at Greenback lane, which is a 3 lane off ramp. I'm heading to the movie theater just on the opposite side of the road, kitty corner to where I'm at (i.e. I take a left and then take a right and turn into the theater). Standing on the side of the road is a "homeless" guy. I'm already annoyed because these types of people have infected society and have taken advantage of hard working people by begging for money - fuck them. Except this guy standing there on the corner of Greenback and the off ramp. He really looks beat up, dirty, disheveled, worn through shoes etc, etc. He's either really playing the part or he needs help. He's also holding a sign and again I'm thinking, great another "Will Work For Food" sign. I move forward in the car as the light changes to green and I'm trying to get through the intersection, but apparently it's the lightning round and the light turns red before I can get through. So there I am sitting in my car, 20 feet from homeless guy and I see his sign. "Why Lie, NED A Beer" and I roll down my window and call him over and give him 5 bucks.
Why?
He really needed a beer, the sign even told me he did. But he misspelled "need", I believe, or his name was Ned and he couldn't really articulate and forgot basic sentence structure like "Why Lie, Buy Ned A Beer" or something like that. He won. 5 bucks richer and I did feel good about myself.
So cut to months later and I'm in San Francisco with friends and now we're being harassed by a singing, dancing, comedian chatterbox that's continually asking for money, but in song form, as in he would take popular top 40 songs and make up lyrics to the beat about the people he was serenading, but I had enough, after about 3 minutes, I just told the guy to get bent or piss up a rope or something. It was cute the first 30 seconds or a minute or so, but the gall and persistence of the man got under my skin, so enough is enough, and I stabbed him in the neck with a pen and took his wallet and keys and money and his shoes. I mean, they were nice shoes. Really nice.
So it's gone on for years, once in a while, if I thought the person needed help, I'd throw a buck or two their way. That is, until tonight.
I stopped at a store to get the basics for survival - beer and cigarettes. I get out of my car and hear "hey, hey buddy, psssssst, over here" and I look to my right to see a guy, dressed relatively nicely, holding a half smoked cigarette that he picked off the ground, staring at me and he gives me his fucking sob story. At this point, I just don't care, it all sounds like the sounds the adults make in the Charlie Brown cartoons WAAA WA WAA WA WA.
"hey buddy, can ya spare a dollar, I need at least 1.91 to get out of this town" which I thought was odd that it only took 1.91 to actually leave Auburn, I mean you're not going to get far on that, but hey, if it gets him outta town, then I'm all for it. Have a merry adventure, adieu.
So's I gives him the buck and pop inside to get my items I need to continue my healthy clean living. I pay and walk out and hear the same guy say "hey, hey buddy, can I get one of those?"
The fucking gall.
Look, pal, you're a fucking piece of shit out of work homeless guy begging for money and picking cigarettes off the street to smoke. Everyone has their little issues, but I bust my ass for my cash and frankly the last thing you should do is even think about begging for MORE stuff after I've already given you the dollar you asked for.
It's like the SNL sketch "The Thing That Wouldn't Leave", in which Belushi torments a couple " (played by Jane Curtin and Bill Murray). Someone giving you something is just not good enough, I need to have them give more stuff to me.
Get a job you asshole. Go do something or get the fuck out of town like you said you were going to. You don't get to have a beer, you don't get anything else from me... buddy.
Frankly I'm done with this bullshit. I give because I feel it's the right thing to do, or, at least I used to but these guys are just fucking relentless greedy little assholes. So now the Mike Charity is closed. Go find some chump that will let you hang around like a bad case of the crabs and soak off them until you've worn out your welcome. As to that theory of a homeless guy. Well, Dirty Mike and The Boys like to cluster about the shopping center near my house where they have also set up their "Drug Lounge/Gay Sex Shrubbery" right near the entrance to the shopping center. Knowing where they hang out, you can now pick one lucky lotto winner on any given day and give him a 10 spot and watch the gladiatorial combat ensue when he shows his friends. Hey, maybe you can bet on the fight and get your money back as well.
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